Even if you’re afraid to broach the subject and have this difficult conversation, it’s always important to say something, because falling silent on the matter can be hurtful for people. If you’re paralyzed by saying the wrong thing, we spoke to several therapists to find out exactly what you shouldn’t say. Here’s everything you need to know.
What not to say to someone who has cancer
“Everything is going to be OK.”
This is not the route to go because it paints you as an unreliable source to your friend or loved one. “While your first instinct is to reassure someone and not have them panic, you don’t know that everything is going to be OK unless an oncologist has made that statement and they are willing to go out on a limb and proclaim that,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind. “You can instead provide examples of celebrities or public figures who have successfully beat cancer odds that were stacked against them.”
“I had a friend who died of cancer.”
Again, in trying to be relatable to a friend or loved one, no cancer patient wants to be reminded that death is a possibility. “It would be more productive if you negated the ‘death’ aspect and imparted attitudes, recommended physicians, or useful advice you learned from your deceased friend who had cancer,” Dr. Hafeez states. “Ask instead what you can do to help.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
You do not know exactly how they feel unless you have had the same type of cancer and prognosis. “Even if that’s the case, you still don’t know exactly how they feel because perhaps they don’t have the same support system you did, the financial resources, or maybe they are more fragile physically and emotionally,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “Saying something like, ‘I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this is’ is a better statement as you are acknowledging their hardship without comparing or to yours or pretending that you know their exact emotions or level of physical discomfort.”
“You’re lucky it’s XYZ cancer instead of ABC cancer.”
Any type of cancer is scary to deal with. This statement invalidates what they’re feeling and experiencing. “Yes, if someone has early-stage breast cancer, it’s more likely that they will have a positive outcome than someone with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer,” says Dr. Hafeez. “Nobody wants to hear a diagnosis of the ‘c word.’ Instead, inquire about their type of cancer, what their future treatment is, and what their needs will be for aftercare to see how you can assist.”
“You look great! I can’t even tell you’re sick.”
Looks can be deceiving, as we all know. “While that sentence seems like a compliment, people with cancer don’t always ‘look sick,’ especially in earlier stages of a diagnosis,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “This comment can negate how someone is feeling physically and make them feel as if they need tangible proof that they are indeed suffering.” If you want to give someone this type of encouragement, it’s better to first inquire with questions. Dr. Hafeez recommends asking: “How are you feeling today? You look very well, does that match how you’re doing today?”
“Don’t compare your breast augmentation, reduction, or lift to their mastectomy.”
All of the above procedures are elective. “While some elective procedures might be painful, they are a cosmetic choice. No woman wants to have one or both breasts removed because her life depends on it. Your pain/recuperation from an aesthetic procedure is not on par with their breast cancer,” says Dr. Hafeez.
Nothing
Hearing the news that someone has cancer will probably make you uncomfortable, but it’s important to acknowledge it. “You may feel like there isn’t anything you can say will make it better and be scared of saying the wrong thing,” Michaela Decker, LMFT explains. “Sometimes, this can lead to people not saying anything at all. A cancer diagnosis can feel very isolating, so recognizing and then pushing through your discomfort and reaching out is key.”
“Let me know if you need anything.”
“While this is extremely well-intentioned, it is too open-ended and people will rarely take you up on this offer,” says Decker. “Offering concrete help that you are willing to follow through on is ideal.” Examples of this would include, “I would love to pick up your groceries for you this weekend.” “Would you like some company at your appointments next week?” “Is it okay with you if I hire a housecleaner for you next month?”
“At least (they caught it early/it didn’t spread/ it’s the good type of cancer, etc.)”
Although you’re trying to look on the bright side, the truth is that there are so many unknowns when it comes to cancer. The best thing to do is to just listen. “This attempt to focus on the positive can feel minimizing and discrediting to the person’s experience,” Decker explains. “Offering a safe space for them to process and showing interest in their experience is ideal.”
“You are so strong!”
“While we are often in awe that they are coping well with their diagnosis and treatment, being strong is exhausting,” says Decker. “It is good to normalize that it is okay for them to have days or times where they feel exhausted and weak.” A better alternative would be, “I can’t imagine all the emotions you must be experiencing.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This is another invalidating statement. “We may also want to help the person make sense or meaning of what they are going through. That’s okay. However, the person may be experiencing a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, worry, guilt, etc,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation Media Advisor. “It may be best to let that person experience those emotions and just offer them a space to talk about how they are feeling.” It’s okay for that individual to make their own sense and meaning of what is going on and what they are experiencing. We can offer support by simply listening to them without having an explanation as to why this is happening, Lira de la Rosa adds.
“It could be worse.”
That may be true, but saying this implies that they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. “While things could always be worse, saying that to someone with cancer is dismissive of the shock and struggle they may be experiencing,” George Blackall, PsyD, MBA, a clinical pediatric psychologist, explains. “It’s important to note that suffering is not a competition – it is each individual’s path to coping with a life-altering illness.”
“I know someone who had the same form of cancer and heard about this miracle cure.”
Everyone’s case is different, and only a doctor should be giving medical advice. “This saying attacks the competence of the patient and their healthcare team,” says Dr. Blackall. “Upon diagnosis, the patient’s healthcare provider has likely presented them with multiple treatment options, and the patient and their family have already selected the treatment plan that works for them.” Many cancer patients or family members of children who have cancer have already done a lot of research on the disease, Dr. Blackall explains. That research and education most likely helped to guide the cancer patient to select their preferred treatment plan. Next, read 25 cancer facts that could help you save a life.
Sources
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, NYC Neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the MindMichaela Decker, LMFTGeorge Blackall, PsyD, MBA, a clinical pediatric psychologist
