“Rumination is the cognitive process of thinking repeatedly about the same thoughts,” says Desreen N. Dudley, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Teladoc. “These thoughts are most often negative in nature, self-defeating and exacerbations to feelings of depression and anxiety.” And we’ve all had times we’ve found ourselves ruminating. “If we get insulted by a sales clerk, for example, we may run that scene over and over in our head. We may replay what the person said, what we could have said differently, and so on,” says Leonard L. Martin, PhD, Professor Emeritus of the Behavioral and Brain Sciences Program in the Department of Psychology at the University of Georgia. While ruminating on a problem is totally normal, it can also be a sign of several mental health conditions, including anxiety and depressive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and phobias (extreme debilitating fear of specific things or situations).
Why ’letting go’ of mistakes is so difficult
If you make a mistake, it can be hard to forgive yourself and truly let it go, which leads to rumination. “It’s common for people to be critical or ruminate when they make a mistake in an attempt to rectify or prevent a bad situation from reoccurring,” says Dr. Frank Anderson, MD. psychiatrist and author of Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems. And part of the reason you may not be able to ’let go’ as quickly as you like is that it’s actually a part of how you will resolve your mistakes. “Contemplating our mistakes and emotional reactions to them is a necessary part of problem-solving,” says Dudley. “Rumination, however, is different from problem-solving because it creates and uses a negative focus, or mental filter, in viewing mistakes, and tends to be unproductive and ineffective in resolving problems.”
How to learn from your mistakes
“Being able to process emotions related to mistakes and misdeeds and consider all aspects of a situation, including the positives, allows for emotional growth and to develop a sense of control and self-acceptance,” says Dudley. Instead of ruminating, here are 10 tips to help you learn (and move on) from your mistakes.
Tip#1: Recognize that rumination is only a part of you
“In your mind’s eye, separate your ruminating from who you are as a person (i.e., your self). Identify your tendency to ruminate as only one aspect of your personality. It is not who you are, or what you always do, it’s only a part of you,” says Dr. Anderson. “Several models of psychotherapy, including Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy have an expanded view and psychological understanding of who we are as individuals. Holding the belief that we are all made up of “a core self and a series of different parts,” or aspects of our personality that interact with each other and with the world in which they live in. For example, the part of me that likes to drink, the part that exercises, the part of me that is shy, the part that ruminates and the part that avoids conflict.”
Tip #2: Create a plan of action to resolve a problem that is resolvable
“Create measurable goals that you can work toward achieving. The goals may or may not have to do with the mistake or issue over which you have been ruminating,” says Dudley. “Rumination can leave you feeling stuck and ineffective. Creating goals that are important and easy to achieve can restore the sense of efficacy, as well as reinforce that you don’t make mistakes in all aspects of your life.”
Tip #3: Journal about your rumination
“Begin to foster self-awareness by getting curious about your tendency to ruminate,” says Dr. Anderson. “Why is it there? How long has it been present inside of you? What is it trying to accomplish? You can journal or write about it, you can talk to it internally, or you can listen to it through various mindfulness exercises. By shifting your focus internally, becoming curious and learning more about the part of you that ruminates begins to foster a better understanding of its role and function.”
Tip #4: Practice meditation and mindfulness
“Meditation involves clearing your mind and focusing only on your breathing, which is within your control. Mindfulness is similar, but involves staying in the present moment by focusing on what your senses are taking in (smell, sight, touch, taste, feel),” says Dudley. “Meditation and mindfulness can help create an emotional calm, which is the opposite of rumination. Rumination often leads to emotional turmoil.”
Tip #5: Have compassion for yourself
“As you begin to learn more about the origins of your rumination, send it love, compassion and positive regard, even if it has a negative impact on your life,” says Dr. Anderson. “Sending compassion toward the part of you that ruminates, allows it to relax, soften and feel appreciated. This opens the door to self-connection, self-awareness and the beginnings of a relationship between you and the part of you that ruminates.”
Tip #6: Get physical with exercise
“Get moving by doing something physical, whether it’s walking, running, biking, swimming, yoga, or dancing!” says Dudley. “Rumination promotes stress and frustration, and physical activity is an adaptive and healthy way to release negative energy and anger. Physical activity has been shown to release feel-good chemicals in the brain, which decrease feelings of depression and anxiety.”
Tip #7: Distract yourself from your thoughts by doing something enjoyable
“Engage in an activity that requires much of your mental effort and focus. This can be playing a video game, watching a movie or talking to a friend or family member,” says Dudley. “Distraction interrupts the focus on negative self-defeating thoughts and shifts your focus to participating in something you enjoy and feel confident doing.”
Tip #8: Practice the “enjoy rule”
“People feel they need to continue to think to solve their problems. Research has shown that having people adopt a different stop rule could stop this kind of thinking. Instead of asking ourselves, ‘Have I thought about this enough?, we need to ask ourselves ‘Am I enjoying thinking about this?’ This stops the rumination,” says Dr. Martin. “With the ’enough rule’, people interpret their anxiety as a sign they should continue thinking. With an ’enjoy rule’, people interpret their anxiety as a sign they should stop thinking. And surpassingly enough, they do.”
Tip #9: Find out your rumination’s ‘fear’ and who it is protecting
“Ask the ruminating part: ‘What are you afraid would happen if you stopped ruminating?’ The answer usually reveals the reason the part exists and the vulnerability it is trying to keep at bay. You might hear: ‘If I stop ruminating, I’m afraid we’ll fail, people won’t like us, and we will feel inadequate.’ When we are able to access the root cause of the rumination, it allows for theopportunity to address the underlying wound which drives it,” says Dr. Anderson.
Tip #10:Schedule a psychotherapy appointment
“A mental health provider can teach you how to use cognitive-behavioral therapy, which focuses on helping you identify how your thoughts can influence your feelings and behaviors,” says Dudley. “Cognitive-behavioral therapy is an evidence-based treatment that is effective in teaching people how to challenge negative thinking to stop rumination. Regular therapy appointments can help you reframe the view of your mistakes in a more productive way. Instead of seeing mistakes as failures that you can’t let go of, you can view them as learning lessons and stepping stones that teach you the areas of your life where there is room for growth.”
Tip #11: Learn about your rumination’s positive intention and develop a relationship with it.
“Validate what the part that ruminates shares with you. Help it to feel heard, seen and known by you. Try to see things from its perspective without judgment or criticism. Connect with it daily to further foster the relationship with the part of you that has a tendency to ruminate,” says Dr. Anderson. “Most parts of us that are seen as ‘bad’ or problematic. They get louder and moreproblematic when we try to get rid of them and push them away. Just as with rumination, focusing on the positive intention, instead of the effectit has is an important step in cultivating a positive relationship between you and the part. It’s important to understand that your core self and the part of you that ruminates have the same goal, that is to help you feel good, avoid painful situations and to allow you to get along with others.” Next, the best stress relief tips.
Sources
Desreen N. Dudley, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at TeladocLeonard L. Martin, PhD, Professor Emeritus of the Behavioral and Brain Sciences Program in the Department of Psychology at the University of GeorgiaDr. Frank Anderson, MD. psychiatrist and author of Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems
