Research confirms it: According to a recent survey conducted by Parade in collaboration with the Cleveland Clinic, 27% of people have less confidence in their own resilience in challenging times compared to before the pandemic. So, what is resilience, exactly? “Resilience is our ability to quickly recover from challenges in our own lives, and is closely connected to the people and communities that surround us, from family and school environments to the workplace,” says Dr. Doug Nemecek, MD, MBA, chief medical officer for behavioral health at Cigna. “Resilience is a skill that can be built over time and with practice. Someone with high resilience has a robust set of personal qualities that allow them to take on stressful situations successfully. They also have the social and institutional supports they need to deal with bad times as well as the ability to find new resources when the situation demands it. The great news is that resilience is like a muscle: the more we use it, the stronger our resilience gets.” If you’re looking to restore your resilience after such a tough year, here are 50 expert-backed tips to strengthen your resilience muscle.
How to build resilience
Watch your self-talk Is your narrative positive or negative? The former will encourage you to move forward, while the latter will keep you stuck, says Jonathan Alpert, a New York-based psychotherapist, performance coach, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. Imagine if every time Michael Jordan got the ball he thought, ‘I’m off my game, I’ll never make this basket.’ How do you think he would have done? If you find you’re getting down on yourself, know that it’s your fears speaking." Whenever one is afraid or feels vulnerable, negative thinking kicks in. It’s how we protect ourselves from what we fear might be a difficult or dangerous situation. The problem is, the mind of a person lacking confidence doesn’t always make a distinction between an actual dangerous situation (a life-threatening situation) and an imagined one, Alpert adds. Taking your career to the next level, asking someone out on a date, or performing with all your heart will not kill you. Put it in perspective So many of our feelings can be changed if we change our mindset. Gaining perspective is one of the easiest ways to do this. Instead of thinking you are having a bad day, for example, perhaps you are having a bad moment, says Dr. Natalie Bernstein, a clinical psychologist and mental health coach. Some ways to gain perspective include: Paying attention. Pausing. Practicing. Start small. Can you see the bigger picture? What is your role in the situation? Is it possible the honk you heard was from a car thanking you for letting them in and not an impatient car behind you? Is it possible your partner or boss is having a bad day and that’s why they snapped at you? See if you can separate the emotion and give yourself a moment of pause to view the situation differently. Prioritize relationships and build your social support system Develop a strong social network,Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, explains. Being able to connect with others can help you validate your feelings and remind you that you are not alone in the midst of difficulties. This can help you reclaim hope and support the skill of resilience. Cut out the social comparisons Comparing yourself with others will not help you. “So often clients tell me, ‘But my colleagues are so much better than I am,’" Alpert states. “Social comparisons serve no purpose and are merely excuses that will keep you stuck right where you are. If your mind starts to compare, ask yourself, ‘How will this help me? Does this move me closer to my goals or further away from them?’ Keep moving Try not to think of problems as an end, but rather a learning opportunity, Dr. Bernstein explains. Make the adjustments that you need but keep moving towards your goal—don’t stop. Self-care Take care of your body and your mental health. Stress is physical and emotional, so maintain a positive lifestyle including healthy eating, regular sleep, hydration and regular exercise can help strengthen your body to adapt to stress and reduce the toll of anxiety, depression and stress, Dr. Schiff states. Know what you want Having direction and clarity of mind will help you move forward with confidence, says Alpert. The great Stephen Covey, best-selling author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, perhaps said it best: “If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.” Practice gratitude Research has shown that gratitude has the power to change attitudes. By focusing upon the many things that are going right, you’ll be more able to adjust to the less-than-ideal situations, Dr. Bernstein explains. Practice mindfulness Journaling and meditating can help you focus on positive aspects of your life, recalling things you’re grateful for, which can prime you to deal with situations that require resilience, Dr. Schiff states. Know your strengths As with any venture, it is best to work from a solid foundation, says Alpert. Think of your confidence as a tabletop that is supported by four legs. Each leg needs to be solidly planted to support the tabletop. What are your strengths? What are you good at? Maintain your focus on what you are good at, not on what you perceive to be your shortcomings. Take care of yourself It is much harder to handle stressful situations when you are sleep-deprived, not feeling well, or even hungry. Make sure you attend to your basic needs first and on a consistent basis, Dr. Bernstein explains. Accept change and embrace it When you accept circumstances that cannot be changed, it helps you focus on the things you can alter or have an influence on, and in turn, this increases your resilience, says Dr. Schiff. By learning how to be more adaptable, you’ll be better equipped to respond when you are faced with a life crisis. Use it as an opportunity to branch out, adapt and thrive; be flexible. Eliminate the “what-ifs” This type of thinking is equivalent to getting under that tabletop and shaking a leg or two, Alpert states. It will destabilize your beliefs, introduce doubt into your thinking, and shake your foundation. Any time you start to think “what-if,” change your thinking to “I will.” Seek support Having a support system of family and/or friends that you can release your emotions and rely upon to have your back can be very helpful. Knowing you have people to stand by you in difficult times can help you feel stronger to handle what life throws your way, Dr. Bernstein explains. Build your confidence People with higher self-esteem are more resilient to stressful events. Take stock of your skills and recognize where you excel, and what will prepare you well to face life difficulties, says Dr. Schiff. If you have a strong sense of self, this will give you the strength to keep moving forward and overcome any adversity. Forget about being perfect So often people don’t pursue things because they feel it has to be just right. They ruminate over how to approach things, conduct themselves, or say something to the point of getting filled with anxiety and either not taking any action at all or doing so in a way that lacks confidence, Alpert states. Acknowledge your feelings first, and then act Trying to ignore feelings of stress or overwhelm can only make things worse, Dr. Bernstein explains. Try to validate your feelings, give yourself some time to feel the disappointment and fear, but then make a plan. Even small action steps can be beneficial. Focus on the future It is important to have things to look forward to and if you have hope for the future, this can help you be more resilient. It can be something as small and simple as going for a walk or reading your favorite book. Schedule and participate in positive events, this can boost your mood and ability to cope better when things aren’t so pleasant, says Dr. Schiff. Open your mouth and speak Simply put, open your mouth and say something. Anyone who has made a mark in this world has spoken up, presented their ideas, and taken a chance, Alpert explains. Dare to say what you believe in. You might be pleasantly surprised by who listens to you and is impressed by your confidence in sharing your ideas. Look back Think of previous situations in which you faced stressful times and reflect on how far you have come and the lessons you learned along the way, Dr. Bernstein states. Learn from your mistakes Every mistake can be a learning opportunity and it can teach you something important, so always look for the lesson, Dr. Schiff explains. There is a phenomenon called “post-traumatic growth”, where people who experience crisis situations actually are able to re-evaluate their lives and make positive changes; and experience a transformation for the better. Stay strong and focused There will be naysayers and those who doubt you, but don’t let that stop you from speaking up, taking a chance, and doing what you believe in. Criticism just means you got people thinking. Many who have taken confident and bold steps have faced resistance. Stay focused on what you believe in and forge ahead, says Alpert. Choose acceptance over rumination Things happen that we wish we could change, Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, ATR-BC, Owner and Founder of Take Root Therapy, states. Even though we know we can’t, we still might find ourselves imagining things being different. Consciously choosing forward motion instead of ruminating may help you deal with what actually is, and to move through it with resilience. Create a list of what’s important to you Keeping at the forefront of your mind what is most important, will assist you in blocking the “noise” of other factors that are vying for your attention and taking you off track from your progress, says Annie M. Varvaryan, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Set good daily habits Exercise allows you to gain perspective of a situation or encounter that challenges you, Lynn Berger, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Career Counselor, explains. Engaging in another activity to distract yourself can help you enormously and enhance your understanding of the situation. Maintain a sense of humor Look for opportunities to laugh, to connect, to breathe, says Lurie. Even in the darkest of times, there are moments of levity. Allow yourself the perspective, and space, to laugh. Reach out to others to hold you accountable Lean on your social support system for help and ask them to hold you accountable to your emotions, your goals, and tracking your progress as you move along, Varvaryan states. Pursue a hobby This will allow you to wind down, be creative and gain perspective of your situation, Berger explains. Ask for help when you need it Resilience isn’t toxic positivity or ignoring challenges, it’s learning how to adapt after challenges, says Lurie. Some of that process may be asking for support: asking for kind words, or a distraction, or a listening ear. Find your community Others who have experienced similar situations and struggles are more likely to understand your subjective experience. Finding your community allows you to stay connected to others instead of isolating or trying to cope on your own, Varvaryan explains. Revaluate your life and career goals This allows you to take control of your life and feel empowered, Berger states. Write down your thoughts If you are trying to obtain clarity of your thoughts and emotions, write them down, says Varvaryan. Writing things down will allow you to express your own individual experiences, but it will also allow you to understand yourself better which can only help when you are trying to overcome adversity. Be flexible, open, and engaged Factors that can help people optimize their ability to be more present and engaged with their kids, for example, include: time management, awareness of stress, establishing boundaries at work, understanding how their own psychology (i.e. inner child) is expressed in parenthood, David Rakofsky, PsyD, President of Wellington Counseling Group, explains. Change the narrative in your head Building a narrative is an important part of resilience. For instance, a person perceiving themselves as a “survivor” of adversity is different than seeing themselves as a “victim” of it, Varvaryan states. Changing this perspective and reframing powerful thoughts is an important part of building resilience. Eat healthier foods Avoid foods that are not supporting a healthier lifestyle. Reducing sugar in your diet is also beneficial, says Berger. Figure out what drives you on a deep level Identifying your relationship with motivation is a key factor in maintaining resilience and confidence, Rakofsky states. Get adequate sleep You will feel better and be better able to deal with daily challenges, Berger explains. See the challenge as an opportunity With every problem, there is an opportunity for growth. Seeing the challenge as an opportunity rather than as only an ending allows you to see the failure, mistake, or loss as a time of personal growth, says Boston-based psychotherapist Angela Ficken. Moving through the heartache, pain, or difficulty while seeing it as a time for you to find out more about who you are and how capable you are will naturally build resilience. Focus on holistic health management Optimal health is achieved when an individual focuses on physical and mental well-being and strong levels of resilience are a reflection not just of the mental health of individuals but are also highly dependent on ensuring the physical health of the whole person, says Dr. Nemecek. Individuals who successfully cultivate healthy habits and incorporate regular mental and physical wellness routines, such as a daily exercise regimen, will often show higher levels of resilience overall. Know the emotional pain is temporary When faced with emotional pain, it can feel like we are going to be in it forever. That thought alone can increase the severity of emotions someone is feeling, and make it worse, Ficken explains. Reframing that perspective by challenging the thought will help you feel better, think more realistically, and build resilience. An example of a reframe would be, “I know it feels like this will be forever, and I know logically it’s not. I have been through hard things before and come out OK. I know I will get through this, too.” If you are stuck on how to reframe, just think about what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation. Would you tell them “I hate to tell you but now is forever,” or would you say something more realistic and kind? Whatever you would say to your best friend, now say to yourself. Increase exposure to diversity in race, culture, socioeconomic backgrounds, religions and thought Finding opportunities through one’s family, friendships and community to surround yourself with people different from you is an effective way to enhance your resilience and connect with others, Dr. Nemecek states. Give yourself permission to feel sadness, anger and disillusionment As human beings, we experience difficult emotions—sadness, anger, disillusionment—when faced with a traumatic experience, Dr. Kennedy explains. Giving ourselves permission to feel these emotions and seeking support to help us cope with them are important tools to develop resilience. Maximize awareness of, and access to, tools and resources Children whose parents have access to and use resources that help build resilience in youth and young adults are more likely to be resilient than children whose parents are less engaged says Dr. Nemecek. These resources might be available through your health insurance, your employer, or even your community. Know that you are not alone Research shows that resilience is just as much about having supportive relationships as it is about our internal strengths, Dr. Kennedy explains. Opening up about how we are doing, allowing others to help us, or watching how others have coped with adversity can remind us that we are not alone. Facilitate transparent two-way communication Workers who proactively and frequently have open and transparent conversations at work, and who have equally communicative leadership, have higher resilience, says Dr. Nemecek. Being open, transparent and approachable to your coworkers’ needs, both those above and below you is one of the best ways to increase resilience in your own workplace. The same goes for relationships outside of work. Make sure you set time aside to talk to your friends and family, and really engage in the conversation. Being present in the moment helps you connect and communicate more effectively. Develop a new normal Some adverse events may change things so that they do not go back to normal. Adapting involves developing a “new normal” in which we can evolve and even thrive. For example, if you were to receive a leg amputation, you would experience physical and emotional changes that would require learning new ways to be mobile, think of your self-concept, and interact with others, Dr. Kennedy states. Remember that asking for help is a sign of strength Explore what’s available to you via your health plan, caregiver network or employer. We’ve all gone through this last year together, experiencing the pandemic in different ways but we’ve all been stressed to some degree and experiencing a new normal, Dr. Nemecek explains. Accessing existing resources offered through your workplace and consulting with your healthcare provider on a regular basis can not only help you overcome adversity but it is also associated with higher resilience in all age categories. Focus on wellness and find your meaning Resilience involves coping with the aftermath of an event, but it is also about preventive care and wellness, says Dr. Kennedy. Cultivating positive thoughts and supportive relationships goes a long way in helping us to deal with challenges when they arise. When we can focus on solutions, immerse ourselves in activities we enjoy, build trust in our relationships, and have a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives, we have laid the groundwork for handling a difficult experience. A mindset that empowers us to look at adversity as an opportunity to grow and change is the Latin phrase “succisa virescit” —that which gets cut down grows back stronger. Use a simple framework Our resilience is always being tested, but right now we are all facing difficulties, Dr. Nemecek states. As part of Cigna’s Resilience Index, the largest U.S. study of resilience among children, their parents, young adults, and working-age adults, research showed resilience can be strengthened and grow over time. Cigna’s simple framework is a helpful reminder that it is important to:
G: Ground yourself in the situationR: Recognize what you can controlO: Organize the resources you needW: Work with your community for support
Understand resilience takes time to learn Resilience is not a genetic trait. While research suggests that confidence in your abilities and problem-solving skill are key ingredients in developing resilience, these elements can be learned and cultivated through the encouragement we receive from others, the actions we take, and the way we choose to think about our distress, says Dr. Kennedy. Next, read 100 quotes on strength and resilience to help get us through tough times.
Sources
Jonathan Alpert, Manhattan psychotherapist, performance coach, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days Natalie Bernstein, a clinical psychologist and mental health coach Holly Schiff, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical PsychologistSaba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, ATR-BC, Owner and Founder of Take Root TherapyAnnie M. Varvaryan, D. Licensed Clinical PsychologistLynn Berger, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Career CounselorDavid Rakofsky, Psy.D, President of Wellington Counseling GroupAngela Ficken, Boston-based psychotherapist Doug Nemecek, Chief Medical Officer at Cigna Vanessa Kennedy, PhD. Director of Psychology at Driftwood Recovery
