How does a pandemic parent carve out any ME time? No, seriously. Every single second of every day is being accounted for, from sun up and then some. I know how important it is to “fill your cup” but if I have a free 10 minutes, which is hardly ever, I take a hot shower or try to pee alone. We don’t have family nearby and hiring childcare isn’t really an option because of COVID, and money is tight. I’m just struggling with being home so much and having it all on me. Any advice? —Ariel, 33, Ohio Lauren Smith Brody: Ariel, I will confess to you right up top that I thought about my answer to your question while in the shower this morning. So you are not getting wisdom from someone who has figured out the key to trophy-level self-care, but instead of someone who’s right there with you, shaving my legs and cherishing the clarity, perspective, and efficient focus that only seems to come when I’m utterly alone for those five minutes a day. Your question about so-called “me time” comes up so often in the work I do coaching parents individually but also, increasingly, from businesses that are terrified that their working parents are burning out (duh, we are). When it comes to the work where you’re your own boss (AKA your unpaid work of childcare), it’s important to be a good boss to yourself and hit that reset button, somehow, every day. Right now, that may not look like a massage or a girls’ trip (one day, we can dream), so instead, we all need to give ourselves permission to re-think what counts as taking care of ourselves. The last thing you need is one more thing on your list to feel guilty about not getting to. So please do count these five little reframes. They help. And I hope we can hang onto some of them long term: Me time is nothing time: The other day, my son caught me sitting in front of my computer staring into space. “What are you doing,” he asked, math homework in hand, needing my help. “I’m spacing out,” I said. “Sometimes adults need to do that to have a little break and get dreamy.” I think, as a day-dreamy kid himself, he was shocked. So often our kids see us rushing and overwhelmed. It felt like a good opportunity to show him that a little nothing time can help. So, there you go. I got my daydreaming time in and felt like I’d done a little parenting too. (Me time is also multi-tasking.) Me time can include caring for others: If you love your daughter’s Zoom music class, if it makes you feel good to check on your grandma, or have a heart-to-heart with your best friend who’s going through a divorce, or mentor the new guy at work….all of those things that are in the care of others can count as caring for yourself too as long as you can see the benefit you’re getting by giving. Me time is protecting your sleep: Do you have a child who wakes up in the night? Do you have a partner? If so, that partner should be splitting those wake-ups with you if at all possible. There’s a LOT of (admittedly heteronormative) research about this, but essentially moms are more likely to be aware of what’s happened in the night than dads. And when dads get up with their toddlers in particular, their sleep deprivation is actually offset by the emotional bonus of having a happier marriage. Me time is getting outside: Every single day, look at your list. Is there any item on there you can do while pushing a stroller or sitting out on a balcony? I’m not even joking, I’ve been known to fold my laundry outside. The sunshine on your eyeballs triggers a serotonin response. Me time is saying no: Any time you give yourself back the gift of time to use as you’d like to use it? Any time you choose to not overdeliver? Pat your back, that was self-care. None of these reframes are meant to diminish your valid, human, urgent need to have a long stretch of downtime all to yourself. We all need that, and soon. But I hope these help in the meantime. Sending you long showers and deep thoughts! Trying to help your child with distance learning? Here are the best learning apps for kids. As an entrepreneur who can’t quit journalism, Brody writes regularly about the intersection of business and motherhood for, among others, The New York Times, Slate, Bloomberg Businessweek, and Elle, and pens advice columns for Parade Media and the children’s brand Maisonette. Brody is on the board of the early education nonprofit Docs for Tots. A longtime leader in the women’s magazine industry, she was previously the executive editor of Glamour magazine. Raised in Ohio, Texas, and Georgia, she now lives in New York City with her husband, two sons, and rescue puppy.
